Kapow:
That suave sonofabitch up there is yours truly, circa 1981. Now you understand why Karissa Jacobsen was so enamored with me for a while. I mean, damn, right? Not to toot my own horn or anything, but that's awholelotta cute. Now admittedly, as I grew up, there were moments that I don't make a point of listing on my resume but, for the post part, I managed to stay pretty ok to look at through most of my high school years.
As I've gotten older, people have suggested physical comparisons for me that have ranged from vaguely flattering, to pretty damn uncanny, to downright bizarre, but the general point is that--while I'm not winning any beauty pageants--I'm not exactly the town uggo.
I only bring all this up because if I could say "I have lousy relationships because I'm ugly and women are superficial manifestations of pure evil", this would be a very short blog post.
But I'm an ok looking dude. I'm relatively smart, I can be funny when I try and I've got a number of other positive traits that I won't bother listing, for fear of coming off as immodest. Nevertheless, I've never had a great track record in relationships and, judging by the ever shortening time frame for each successive try, I seem to be getting worse at it as I go along.
Part of it is probably because I might just have lousy decision making skills when it comes to the women I date. It wouldn't be too difficult to divine at least one reason as to why, but regardless of any underlying reasons, the fact remains. Some of them have been lovely girls who I'm still friends with. We've all dated at least one person with whom we make better friends than lovers. But after that, there are girls who were doomed to fail from the beginning for one reason or another. Her complete unwillingness to put any effort into the relationship; her unresolved daddy issues; the socio-economic chasm between her family and mine; her medically diagnosed obsessive/compulsive bi-polar disorder with minor sociopathic tendencies. Or what have you.
But you've got to figure that at least part of the issue comes from me, too. What if--Heaven forbid--I'm actually bringing the crazy OUT of these women; turning otherwise sane, wonderful people into crazy eyed harpies by bringing these things to the surface like some Archimedes' Screw of the damned? It's one thing to say you're a crazy magnet, but quite another to be a crazy generator.
Besides, much as I might want to pretend otherwise, it's not like I'm a huge ball of perfection. I'm kind of a slob, I tend to judge people too harshly based on their tastes in books and movies and just yesterday I wrote a blog post wherein I gave a double deuce to an infant and referred to one of my kittens as a "cock hole".
I suppose that as we all go through life on this crazy blue marble the trick to things isn't so much looking for that one person in the world who makes you completely happy, so much as maybe just looking for someone who can be happy with who you are. Because let's face it: we're all way more likely to find someone who doesn't ask why you've still got to eat your cereal out of a bowl shaped like a baseball, then we are to find someone who's completely devoid of annoying and curious traits of their own. Which, of course, brings us back to the point about my questionable skills in deciding which traits are ok to overlook and which should still be used as important roadsigns on the Highway O Crazy.
It's possible, of course, that certain people are just meant to be single. People for whom the process of meeting and dating someone is nothing short of Sisyphean. It's possible that I'm one of them. I suppose I could even be relatively ok with that, so long as it doesn't drive me to the heights of comedic desperation.
I didn't brace myself, as you warned only the ladies, so I was unprepared for that picture. Seriously, if I had a kid like that, I'd teach him a lot of shtick and have him mixing drinks.
ReplyDeleteThat is, until CPS got involved.
I think people tend to attract the type of people who are comfortable in the places they travel in. For instance, if I wanted to date an old guy with a lot of cats, I'd hang out at the sewing supply store. Instead, I troll poetry readings and bookstores. I wish I was kidding.
Maybe you don't attract crazy, maybe you just go where crazy lives. Dr. Temple Grandin is world renowned for being able to see through the eyes of livestock - she works as a consultant in the construction of corrals that reduce the stress of animals being led to slaughter.
Before the back part of your brain takes over and starts screaming about Boobtopia, think to yourself "Where would a woman need to be in her life to be acting this way? Is she life-of-the-party fun or mentally unhinged?
Worst case scenario, lead with the kielbasa.
The question is, are they all the same flavor or crazy? Maybe you need to try a new flavor of crazy. Think of it like icecream; you're probably going for something like vanilla with gummy bears, but what you should try is rainbow sprinkles, seriously, a little less crazy. Then again, I'm a very special brand of crazy, so I may be blind to other girls' crazy. I'm like butterscotch icecream with rainbow sprinkles.
ReplyDelete